ver the years, The Why Files has received countless ridiculous questions about scientific terms. We simply cannot figure out where the confusion comes from! What could be simpler than a term like "dephosphorylation?" (Dephosphorylation describes the act of turning off a faucet.)

Being the socially conscious, morally upstanding, and generally scientifically illiterate folks that we are, The Why Files offers our handy:

Astronomer - Houston Astros fan with a high-school degree.

Alopecia - Drug to re-grow all 'o' the hair lost to male pattern baldness. Rare side effects: wild mood swings, an unsightly rash on most of the body, gnarly nose hair, and squeekyocia, (a dramatic raise in voice pitch). Rare side effects occur in only 99.9 percent of users.

Biology - The science of saying "good bye."

Bohr Atom- Really dull particle.

Cold Fusion - Effect of sticking tongue on flag pole in winter.

Grant - Guy who determines whether scientists live or die. Sometimes referred to as: "God," or "The Man."

Jet Propulsion - Effect of excessive bean intake.

Metabolism - The belief that there is something beyond ball-related sports.

Micro Chip - Nickname for scientist Chip Offhisrocker, who accidentally shrunk himself and the kids.

Microscope - Very small bottle of mouthwash.

Periodic Table - Scientific description of America's irregular family dining habits.

pH unit - Any dumpster not emptied on a regular basis.

Protein - Overachieving 12 to 19 year olds who are paid to participate in sports like tennis, figure skating and gymnastics.

Quantum Mechanics - Team of grease monkeys who made popular television series Quantum Leap possible.

Retro Virus - Virus which distinguishes itself from other diseases by wearing bell bottoms, love beads, and massive lamb-chop sideburns.



Seismograph - Instrument used to measure things that are mo' bigger.

Staphylococcus - Dedicated folks who produce the presidential cattle auction in Iowa every four years.

Suppressor T Cell - A new prison cell design. These cells compresses prisoners to the size of a grain of salt, making it possible to stuff more convicts in old prisons.